|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Name That Tune
Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 26, 2004 I have been married to a wonderfully grounded woman for nine years, and we have two young children. The problem? My mother-in-law lives from crisis to crisis. She claims to have a "plan," but it is always the wrong plan and my wife and I are constantly picking up the pieces. A one year experiment of her living with us turned into a stressful five year stay. We are financially stable, but our oldest child is a special needs child who is draining our financial resources at a healthy clip. When our second child was born, we gave my mother-in-law an ultimatum, and she moved into a house with a female roommate 15 minutes away. The arrangement lasted two years before the roommate had enough and booted her. She then traveled to California to stay with my wife's older sister and her family. That arrangement didn't last six weeks. According to our family in California, she showed more interest in her hair curlers than in her grandchildren. My wife's mother is well-educated and in good health. Her first love is writing. She has been working on her "masterpiece" for 25 years, and I am sure it will never be submitted to a publisher. She refuses to pursue financially rewarding work, but she is a great talker. If she were paid by the spoken word, she'd have more money than Bill Gates. If my mother-in-law knows there's a safety net, she'll use it. My wife knows this, too, but in the end she feels obligated to be her mother's savior. I've given plenty of warning in the past by saying if preventable "situation X" recurs, I will not be a party to it. Sure enough, situation X repeats itself, and I'm asked at the last minute to drop everything and provide a solution. Just yesterday my mother-in-law enlisted our help moving again. She didn't ask until the moving deadline was less than 48 hours away. I want to support my wife, but I can no longer condone her mother's behavior. The one blessing is that my marriage is on a solid foundation. Nathan Nathan, whether it's heaven and hell, karma and rebirth, running a prison, or teaching a child, the one idea that runs through all life is that behavior has consequences. When behavior doesn't have consequences, disorder prevails. As long as your mother-in-law doesn't bear the consequences of her behavior, you and your wife will. The problem is this. Your wife feels obligated to meet her mother's demands, whether those demands are legitimate or not, and your mother-in-law is a master at pushing her daughter's buttons. In her book "Emotional Blackmail," Susan Forward writes, "Every time we capitulate to emotional blackmail, we lose contact with our integrity, the inner compass that helps us determine what our values and behavior should be." This is why you feel you have had enough of your mother-in-law's behavior. Children learn by being given responsibility and suffering consequences when they don't act responsibly. But your mother-in-law, a grandmother, isn't learning anything. All these years she has been getting away with it. Your mother-in-law doesn't feel bad about the repercussions to you. She is like a gambler gambling with someone else's money. She is like the teenager whose parents bail her out of every situation. The fewer the repercussions to her, the more destructive and thoughtless her actions can be. In the old television show "Name That Tune," contestants competed to name a tune in the fewest number of notes. That is also the key to understanding people who manipulate us. When we can name a manipulator's tune from the first few notes, we can stop their controlling behavior the instant it begins. The book "Emotional Blackmail" teaches you the blackmailer's tunes. It is the perfect antidote for people who feel they have lost themselves in trying to please others. Wayne & Tamara About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
The Power of Authenticity How "powerful" are you?Do you ever cover up how you genuinely feel? Do you ever say what you think you "should," say, based on how you want others to perceive you?Do you ever think you "should" be a certain way?Why?I'll share with you why I did in the past. I "thought" I "should" be a certain way, say certain things, act in the manner that I "thought" would bring me either the results I was attached to, or the acceptance of those I wanted. The Male Rating System While not necessarily New Age in nature, Samantha has noticed a lot of clients asking questions about their potential beaus lately and she thought this refreshing change might be just what was needed to help our female Realm members keep things in perspective regarding their male paramours. Enjoy!-David -Believe it or not, if you go into forums on web sites that are devoted to the subject of how to pick up girls, you will find people posting messages about something that is called the mating rating system. Is Your Husband or Wife Cheating? Five Great Reasons to Hire a Private Investigator! Discovering an affair in your relationship is indispensable, but that's just the beginning of what you will face. A family court ruling will be rendered either for or against you and your children. Power Struggle! The greatest asset we have in human existence is our soul growth, but somehow we have that confused with becoming powerful. Power does not bring growth unless we understand the essence of sharing that power. How To Save Your Marriage Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a way, like starting a business you've always wanted to own or a university program you've always wanted to enter.It may be relatively easy to begin but it is almost guaranteed to be very challenging to stay with it for the long-term and make it a success. How to Spot a Cheater Is your man the cheating type? Here are some clues to help you find out if he is cheating. Please note that just because you feel your man is cheating, does not mean that he really is. Relationship Advice: 2 Beliefs for a Successful Relationship Mark Twain once saidGod's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage."Considering the difficulty of living with another person day after day and the incredibly high divorce rate in this country, the humor of the quote begins to fade. Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying "NO. Finding Your Feng Shui Power Spots for Love and Romance The first step in using feng shui to attract a partner or improve your love life is to find the relationship power spots in your home. Once you have located these areas, feng shui cures and enhancements can activate these areas and increase your love luck. Commonsense Approach to Domestic Violence Domestic violence the catch phrase for the past ten years. People use the words as if they represent an incurable disease rather than what it really is, deplorable human behaviors. But Its Just the Guys -- The Importance of Sacrifice in Relationships If it's a long-term relationship you want, you absolutely must be willing to make a few sacrifices to invest in your happy future with the woman of your dreams. You simply cannot continue to live the happy-go-lucky life of the single guy and expect to make your partnership with a woman succeed. Shattered Visions Sometimes it takes a girlfriend in order to have a really good shopping trip. It takes having someone who knows you very well either urging you forward on a contemplated splurge--or holding you back before you plunge ahead on one she knows you'll live to regret. 5 Ways to Tell Your Man You Love Him Telling your man that you love him is part of assuring him that he is special to you. But it is not enough to verbalize how you feel about your man. Great Relationship Advice: The Ability to Apologize and Forgive I'm sorry can be words that are much too easy to say. The notion of apology and forgiveness in relationships takes "I'm sorry" into new territory that can be very healing and actually have meaning. Yellow and Orange Flags in Relationships It's been said that love is blind. It may also be deaf and dumb, but in this article I'll deal with the onset of blindness that occurs at the beginning of a relationship. Single in a Couples World Advertising for St. Valentine's Day seemed more relentless than ever this year. Is The Internet A Miracle Cure For Loneliness? A few years ago a surprising survey discovered that people who spent a lot of time on the Internet were a lot lonelier than people who didn't spend much time on the Net.This was an unexpected find because many people view the Internet and e-mail as a great way to make and keep connections with other people. How To (Wo)man Your Boundaries The first time I ever heard "boundaries" mentioned, it was by my then husband. He informed me that I had to protect and hold his boundaries. Relationship Arguments - 7 Ways to Heal Past Hurts Q: I've read that you are never supposed to bring up the past in a relationship, especially in an argument. But, sometimes it just feels like I have to bring it up with my husband. Can Men And Women Be Friends? Or When Harry Met Sally Did He Really Just Want to Jump Her Bones? Men and women can't really be just friends, can they? Of course not. There's always that pesky sexual tension to contend with.
|
 |
 |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
|
|||||
| Pendle Writers .com © 2006 | |||||
