|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Second Time Around the Block
Divorce happens. I'm not going to debate the causes or the moral and ethical implications of that here. Even if you're the innocent one who stuck to your vows and got dumped anyway, you still have to pick yourself up and move on. So let's start from that place. At some point you will wrestle within yourself and within your spiritual and religious beliefs as to whether or not you will date again. This article is for those of you who have decided that yes, you are going to date again and maybe even get married again. You've decided to give love a second chance. In order to improve your odds at succeeding, you need to consider your timing. If your goal is to find true love and to have a wonderful long-term relationship with someone, then for your new partner's sake you must have worked through your issues over the last one. You may be dying inside, feeling incredibly vulnerable, alone, and needy. That's the time when it's easiest to reach out clutching at the first person who comes along that looks like they might be a decent fit into your world. Those rebound relationships seldom work out. Even if through your pain and misery you did manage to pick the ideal mate for yourself, you are still going to have emotions around your old partner. The new partner has to endure watching you ache and hurt for a marriage that's over. If you truly loved your spouse, even if you're the one who asked for the divorce, then you're going to have feelings of remorse and a need to mourn what is dead and gone. Ideally, you wouldn't have married them in the first place if you didn't truly love them and you have to on some level have expected 'happily ever after.' Even if you stayed too long and had time to process through the emotions of wanting to leave, you still have a good chance of feeling like you've failed at something so incredibly important. It can be excruciating to fall madly in love with someone and have to postpone the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship because your new love is processing through all of this stuff and really isn't able to completely submerge themselves into the beauty of falling in love with you. If you can't wait until after you've really healed from all of those little triggers and such that keep going off in your head and heart, then at least be honest with your new partner and let them know where you really are in the process. You owe them that much. Give your new partner the truth as to where you are mentally so they can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to enter into a full time one on one relationship with you at this moment in time. You don't have to be completely alone though either. Perhaps you could continue dating lightly as friends and they can be a wonderful source of inspiration and a great ego booster during your recovery. Then down the road when you've gotten yourself in a place where you can really open your eyes and your heart to completely focus on creating a new relationship, then you can make a commitment. I think the key here is being really clear with yourself as to where you are in the whole thing and also trusting your new partner enough to tell them the truth. When you do get to that place that you are able to really focus on someone else and you're truly ready to fall in love, then there's some other things to consider. It's only natural that each of our relationships shapes us and effects who we become on some level. How many of us have little quirks that arose due to past loves? Perhaps you were with someone abusive and now every time someone even raises their voice during an argument, red flags start going off and you start panicking. Perhaps you worked your tail off day and night to financially support a high maintenance princess and now you shutter every time your new girlfriend talks about needing more money to pay the utilities. Perhaps your partner forced you into sexual acts that weren't in your best interest and now you have some hang ups in the bedroom. These are all very natural and normal reactions. We are adaptable creatures that typically learn from our mistakes and try to not repeat bad circumstances. So why wouldn't we be cautious in the future? I'm simply suggesting that you sit with these thoughts for a while and make sure that you are not being unfair to your new partner. Are you punishing them for things that your ex did to you? Are you living your life as though the new person is exactly the same as the old one? Are you unconsciously creating a self-fulfilling prophecy and forcing your new partner to play out a role that your spouse played? Just look at these things and be aware. It can really make the difference between repeating another bad marriage and having a successful second chance at love. One last thought which is sort of the flip side to the one just mentioned. Sometimes we don't realize that we try to repeat the good things from our old relationship with the new partner. For example, taking them on the exact same romantic weekend and trying to relive the wonder of the first time with the first partner. Sometimes we don't realize that we make unfair comparisons, "Well my first wife always had my dinner on the table when I came home." "Well my first husband knew how to fix the car so that we didn't have to pay a mechanic to do it." Don't look to recreate the first marriage. Instead, remember that this is a unique and different relationship with a unique and different partner. Love them for who they are. Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge About The Author Skye Thomas began writing books and articles with an everyday practical approach to life in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and parenting. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. Go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net to read more of her articles and to get a free preview of one of her books.
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Coping with Your Difficulties in Yourself Ashleigh Brillant once said""Coping with difficult people is always a problem, particularly if the difficult person happens to be yourself."Can you identify with this statement? Often, when things are not going well, we wonder what the problem is. Are You My Soul Mate? I'm always dumbfounded when someone walks up to me and declares that they either have not found their soul mate or says, "There are no soul mates out there for me."Obviously, they don't know how to look for the signs or how to read them once they do find them. The Unfairly Judged Professor An All Too Familiar TaleShe takes her teaching responsibilities seriously; she is committed to making a difference in her students' lives. She prepares her syllabus meticulously, with class-by-class activities and assignments, the most relevant and up to date readings, illustrative cases, experiential activities. Gag Gifts Gag gifts can be very funny. They can also cause pain for the recipient, so you must choose your gag gift carefully. Men and Relationships Ever since the women's movement began, women have empowered themselves through self-help books, classes, therapy, and TV shows such as Oprah, the Lifetime Network and much more. Women have been stepping up to the plate, taking responsibility for their lives, their jobs and their relationships. Whats The Attraction? Why do people have affairs? Why not do the 'right' thing and leave a marriage first if one is inclined to step out of it? The reasons are as varied as the people involved. Public perception of infidelity is someone with a sexual overdrive and their pants around their ankles, and while that may be true in some cases, it's not as common a reason as one would think. Great Relationship Advice: How to Balance Your Hear at Work with Your Heart at Home Remember the Tom Cruise movie "Jerry Maguire?"From my seat in the theater, this movie had a much more valuable message than it's catch phrase "show me the money."Tom Cruise plays the title character Jerry Maguire, a fast moving sports agent who lives for the big score and makes big money. The Man - Truth of The Visual Being The article What Turns Them On explained about how men are visual being towards a woman's beauty. But don't go off thinking that all men are shallow just yet. Catch A Cheating Husband the Easy Affordable Way Many women mistakenly believe they need to hire a private investigator or buy expensive software or surveillance equipment to catch a cheating husband. Once you familiarize yourself with the signs of infidelity, all you really need are your own eyes and ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. How to Survive an Affair - Take Care! Surviving an affair can be a very traumatic experience. Partners tend to know which strings to pull to antagonise the situation especially if there are children involved. Denial Is Not A River In Egypt Original it ain't, but it still merits repetition: "Denial is not a river in Egypt". What it is, is a highly addictive behaviour. Desirous Attachment , the Trap and the Solution I've seen a lot in my life. A lot of people suffering, fearful, temporarily joyous angry, hurt, resentful, longing, hopeful, and ecstatic too. Relationship Quiz - Copasetic, Caution, or Conundrum? This quiz is based on key areas of communication and intimacy in relationships. The easiest way to take the quiz is to print it, so that you can circle your responses and add up the results. Happily Single v Happily Married Have you noticed how so many people spend their lives wishing they were something they are not?Short people would like to be tall; plump people want to be thin; singles want to be in a relationship, possibly married, and those who are married eye their single friends and the freedom they have, with some jealousy.Family gatherings are always a minefield for the singletons amongst us. What Men Want From Women Actually, it's pretty simple. Deep inside the heart of every man is a secret wish to be trusted. Relationship Advice - How to Get Out and Stay Out of Relationships Ruts "The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions."Q: My wife and I are both on our second marriage. Put Some Z.I.P. Into Your Relationships Relationships are really what makes the world go 'round, aren't they? Imean, good, positive, healthy and meaningful relationships provide us withthe richest experiences we have here on this old earth of ours. Your lovingspouse who shares everything with you; that best friend who connects withyou like few others do; the people at work who appreciate you and help youto become the best that you can be; This is what brings joy to life!But. Interview with Tigress Luv: How To Get Over A Breakup Recently I had the opportunity to interview my personal favorite ebook author, Tigress Luv. She is a relationship expert who is widely known for her internet community. Relationships That Really Last: Is This the Secret? In my e-book, How to Build Relationships That Stick, I told over a story I once heard in the name of a famous relationships counselor who talks on radio shows. It was claimed to be an authentic account of something that happened in real life, but even if it's apocryphal, I'm very much inclined to believe it could happen. Aromatherapy : A Scent Away for Great Relationships Is it possible that a scent can make you more mellow and increase dramatically the relation with you and your mate? Can you calm the kids down instantly? Do you wish that you would feel and look more in control for the big meeting? Thousands of people around the world have discovered the powerful benefits of Aromatherapy. And you can do it to.
|
 |
 |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
|
|||||
| Pendle Writers .com © 2006 | |||||
