|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Calming the Storm In Your Relationship
Introduction Conflict in relationships is inevitable. Put two men together with their own sets of needs, values, personality traits, and life histories/experiences and you have a fertile ground for potential differences to cause clashes. This is normal and a necessary precursor for growth in your relationship with your boyfriend or partner. Anger is a common emotion that emerges during conflict. While conflict and anger are normal aspects of building and maintaining a relationship with someone, there are right and wrong ways to manage them. This article will address some ways to defuse anger in your disagreements with your lover to ensure a more positive environment to go about negotiating your differences. Anger Management 101 It's important to realize that when two people are angry with each other, very little of productive significance will come from these interactions because emotions are high and listening skills tend to be overshadowed by defensiveness. Though cliché, the statement "Anger is ok, it's what you do with it that counts" is very pertinent here. During conflicts with your partner, you are ultimately responsible for your own feelings and anger. Your partner does not make you angry; you choose how you are going to react, regardless of the contributing factors. The goal is to create an atmosphere where you and your boyfriend can have a constructive communication session free of volatile emotions and where you each can feel heard equally. No More Drama One of the most effective ways to defuse an angry situation is to call a Time-Out. In much the same way that children are disciplined with Time-Outs to calm down and regain behavioral control, we adults also benefit from this type of cool-down period as well. The strategy issimple, but only works if you and your partner agree to its execution beforehand and follow through with it to completion. Whenever you feel your anger flare-up to the point where you are unable to be attentive to your partner or be fully present, announce your need for a Time-Out. Before leaving, schedule a time that you and he can reconvene to address your issues then. Reactivity can damage relationships, and by postponing your response until after you've had a chance to regroup and center yourself, you're increasing your chances for being able to communicate more effectively. You're also not avoiding the problem, just delaying it until both of you can more readily attend to the issue at hand. It's also important not to follow each other once a Time-Out has been called because this defeats the purpose; respect your partner's need for space and feel reassured in the knowledge that you will discuss your issues at a later time. In essence, when you call a Time-Out, you are really saying to your lover, "I care enough about you and our relationship to discuss this issue at a later time when I'm able to really listen to you and hear your needs and concerns. My anger right now interferes with that ability." This communication technique, which is commonly taught in couple's therapy, works best when applied consistently. More Anger Coping Tips 1. Identify your personal triggers to anger.Pay close attention to the body signals you receive that alert you to anger arousal, the situations that upset you to help highlight patterns, and the thoughts you have that fuel anger and emotional upset. 2. Practice relaxation techniques (deep breathing, visualization, progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, etc.) and don't forget the importance of regular exercise in managing stress. 3. Distraction techniques can be helpful during your Time-Out, such asjournaling, reading a book, listening to music, playing video games, talking to a friend, taking a hot bath, going for a walk, etc. Do something self-soothing. 4. Develop affirmations and positive self-talk to help coach yourself through difficult anger-producing situations. 5. Try writing your partner a letter before you have your talk to discharge negative emotion and perhaps develop a better perspective on the situation that upset you. Destroy the letter when finished. 6. Get in the habit of expressing your needs and feelings directly and assertively in as close to the moment as you can. Stuffing feelings only leads to a stockpiling effect of "unfinished business"; this, in turn, creates hidden resentments and can take a toll on your health and relationship. Conclusion Anger and conflict are a natural part of any relationship and must be handled carefully to protect the trust and intimacy of your partnership. The important thing to remember is to avoid reactivity and to stop and think before acting to help cultivate a more responsible and focused dialogue with your partner. Anger is commonlythe result of an unmet need, a perceived threat, or a symptom of depression, among other things. Trying to uncover its origins first, avoiding placing blame, and viewing your disagreement as an opportunity to work together as a team in creating a win/win solution to your challenges will go a long way in helping you to accomplish your relationship goals. © 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included: Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com. Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you! Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private relationship coaching practice in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, toward developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources, and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the 2005 self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion."
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
To Love Forever Emotionally healthy men and women almost always share their lives with lovers whose happiness is crucial to their own fulfillment -- even if they failed to understand the reciprocal nature of mutual satisfaction while they were young. In our youthful years we may be so filled with such intense sexual desires that we forget it really does take two to tango successfully for any length of time. Relationship Advice for Women - Beyond the Happy Ending - Part 2 The Not-the-Same Syndrome How often do we complain that our man isn't romantic enough or he doesn't treat you like he did when you first started dating? Come on, admit it, we do this a lot. The way I see it, there are two sides to this. Emotional Investments It is a given truth that there are people out there in the world, married and single, who are afraid of allowing any emotional attachment or involvement in a relationship. This is a destructive element inanyone's life. The Informal Normal In a Black-Tie-Affair World Have you noticed the trend?You ever notice how on programs like "The Bachelor" most of their dating episodes are via limousine escort? They travel to lavish destinations amid scenic splendor. The sunsets are so beautiful you can almost hear nature singing its own rendition of, "Love Is A Many Splendid Thing". Tips For Proper Kissing Etiquette! Many cultures have customary kissing etiquettes. The French for instance kiss twice when they greet someone. Are You Really Ready For a Relationship? So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I'm married but I'm not happy. I just got divorced and I don't want to make the same mistake again. Importance Of Background In A Relationship Should coming from the same background be a major issue in a relationship? In the 90s, one of the major things we sometimes overlook in a relationship is our partner's background. To us, 'what's love got to do with background'? But the truth is that coming from the same background can enhance a relationship. My Concept From my own personal experiences with relationships I believe in a concept that I have been working with, at least in my mind's eye, which is to give generously of yourself in your relationship. Always do what you can for your partner to make him or her happy, regardless if they invest in you. Great Relationships - 3 Things to Avoid, 3 Things to Do "Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity. Yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage. A Friend in Need Here's the scenario: Julie, a hardworking secretary, lent money to her good friend Ray; $1300 to be exact. Ray had just moved to a new town and claimed that he needed two new suits: one for an upcoming wedding and one to wear on job interviews. Your Relationships Begin With You As a single male in my mid-twenties, I find myself consciously and unconsciously thinking about and searching for that special someone. My goal has always been to be friends with my future wife for at least a year, date for a year, engaged for a year, which includes being married by the time I'm thirty. Gay Breakups: When the Rainbow Ends Introduction"It just hit me out of the blue when Mike left me. We hadn't really been together all that long, but I thought I'd finally found my true soul mate. Playful, Innocent Phone Sex So you're sitting there on the phone, trying to talk to your girlfriend or boyfriend whom you haven't seen in a while and you're trying to keep things interesting by talking about the days events, how much you miss each other, etc.So far so good. Learning to Trust Again Eleven o'clock on a weeknight I found myself phoning a man whom I'd recently met. We had been talking regularly and I just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. Friendship - A Relation of Choice! IntroductionHave you ever heard or have you ever seen, father-son; mother-daughter; husband-wife; boss-subordinates; brother-sister as a friend? Might be yes, but how often and how genuine. At the end of a day, the message is, "mein tumhara baap hoon, jo mein kahta hoon, who karo" (I am your father, do what I say). Can We Still Be Friends? Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. BurkEven when we know it's time to end a romantic relationship, we're often reluctant to let go of our partners completely. How To Quickly Turn Platonic Friends into Lovers Using The New 5-Step Jealousy Technique I'm going to get straight to the point. If you want to exit the platonic zone, you need to focus on two things. Relationship Habits How many of you have ever been involved with a significant other who wanted you to do something you didn't want to do? I doubt that I'm the only one. By virtue of a significant other relationship, there will be times when our partners will want us to do things we don't necessarily want to do and conversely, there will be times when we will want our partners to do things they don't want to do. How To Make Hooking Up With Your Ex More Thrilling Than It Ever Was Before! Now I really have seen everything.The other day, I saw a television show with a very curious premise: They found a good-old Southern boy who was such a charmer, 6 of his ex-girlfriends (some, who had been flat-out "dumped" by him) were willing to line themselves up in front of a camera for 120 minutes, and go through various and sundry interviews, to see whether or not they could pass muster with him, the second time around. How Compatible Are You and Your Partner? What are the things you argue about? Where are the disagreements? The small resentments? Where do you have to give in to get along?Do you argue over money? Are you fighting over sex? Do you have different ideas about how much time you should spend together and apart? Do you squabble over extended family and friends? Is one of you daring and reckless, while the other wants to play things safe? Does one of you want to be right all the time? Does one of you want to always be in control? Do you disagree about the fun activities in your life?Couples may have conflict over many areas but do you know there is a simple explanation for the conflict? When looking for a life partner, it is a good idea to take a close look at your "Need Strength Profile", based on Dr. William Glasser's work in the area of Choice Theory.
|
 |
 |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
|
|||||
| Pendle Writers .com © 2006 | |||||
