|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
Its Your Fault I Had An Affair!
When you read it like that, out of context, you'd be hard pressed to believe that anyone would have the nerve to come up with it as a serious justification for infidelity. Yet film star Jude Law has, allegedly, used this astonishing piece of sleight of mouth to justify a recent fling with his children's nanny. The sad truth is that he wouldn't be the first; and he won't be the last. Of course, you could argue that it's the kind of excuse you only use as a last resort, but it's not really that simple. You might think that when someone is skating on such thin ice they might do a little better than that. Even hanging their head, apologising and saying "I don't know what came over me" has to be slightly better than that. Sure, they may believe it when they lay the blame for their action at their partner's door; that's not the most important point, in any case. What is important is the fact that they genuinely believe they have a real chance of getting their partner to buy into their perspective. They believe it because it's a tactic they have practised many times before, with a good degree of success. When you stop and think about it, the argument "it's your fault that I did X (or didn't do Y)" is not only laughable, it's playground stuff. It's not unlike the small child who trips, falls over and then turns to someone standing some distance away and says: "You made me fall over." The same question, "How do you work that one out?" hangs heavy in the air. The behaviour of one person may trigger an emotional response in another. But particularly in the case of chronological adults, people old enough to take responsibility and major decisions for themselves, they alone are responsible for their own actions. Feeling aggrieved because they don't consider their partner is sufficiently available to them does not exempt them from responsibility for their philandering. Feeling angry because either their partner has failed to do something for them, or else has committed some misdemeanour, such as crashing the car or being in any way 'provoking', does not justify whatever course of behaviour they choose to adopt. It's all about accountability. Adults are accountable for their own actions. There are no special dispensations from accountability because someone has upset or riled you. You are entitled to your feelings. But you're not entitled to pursue a destructive course of action so as to avoid addressing difficult feelings. Except that some people are remarkably good at getting their partner and/or family to believe that there are dispensations; that they are a special case. These people are singularly adept at dumping blame at their partner's door. Generally, the partner will pick it up, more or less meekly, and sweep it under the carpet. They'll even make a point of acknowledging how the bad behaviour was triggered by their shortcoming. Often, even after they have got out, they'll still believe that they were somehow to blame. It's one of the reasons they keep going back. They're seduced by the abject, loving apologies they hear and the misguided belief that if they only work a little harder at the relationship, they'll be able to stop it happening again. And then they'll live happily ever after. After all, it will be their fault if they can't live happily ever after with the erstwhile philanderer, drunk, bully or emotional vampire, or whatever, who's never to blame for their actions. By continuing in the relationship the partner who assumes the full burden of responsibility tacitly colludes with the accuser. It remains to be seen whether Sienna Miller will patch up her relationship with Jude Law. Many women in a similar situation do; and are surprised when it happens again. Things only change for the better if something inside the relationship shifts. That shift occurs when both partners accept accountability for their own feelings and favour communication rather than blame as a way of resolving difficulties. C) 2005 Annie Kaszina Joyful Coaching An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women build strong boundaries so they can attract the relationships they desire. Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com To subscribe to Annie's twice monthly ezine, or order her eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be, go: to http://www.joyfulcoaching.com
MORE RESOURCES:
Best Acne Treatment Limited Announces A New Site On The Best Acne Treatment - PR Web (press release)
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Romantic Gift Guide It is a commonly held belief, mainly amongst men, that romantic gestures are only given on Valentines Day. This shouldn't be the case however, and a romantic gift or gesture given at any time of the year can make your loved one feel really special. The Womans Guide to Younger Men I often awake to find Beverly, my older wife, wrapped around me like a Virginia creeper. In the nineteen years since we met, she has shown me what true love is, and I couldn't live without it. He Said, She Heard: Communication Meltdown within Relationship It starts young, as babies. We learn communication from our parents starting with single words--mama, dada, we add adjectives, big boy, nice kitty. Great Relationships: How to Solve Problems and Have Fun Too I recently came across this quote:"There is a time in the life of every problem when it is big enough to notice and small enough to solve."When problems come in our relationships they can bring a great deal of stress into our lives. Discerning The Loving Heart How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone - a friend or a potential partner - who turns out to be an uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good person, and then down the line you discover that the person is self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how you could be so wrong, and what can you do differently next time?I have discovered in my 35 years of counseling that people seem to decide very early in their lives whether or not they want to care about and have compassion for others' feelings. Ladies, Is Your Valentine The Cheating Kind? According to statistics, 50% to 70% of men cheat on their mates. What type of man is most likely to cheat? Ruth Houston, infidelity expert and author of "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs" says, "Some men are more likely to cheat than others. Attention Guys: Impress Your Girls - Send Flowers! Remember that big hug she gave you when you got her fresh flowers? It doesn't have to only happen on Valentine's Day. Everybody knows that women love to get them, so why is it that men rarely send flowers?When men buy flowers they often find it an intimidating experience. How realistic are we? So often when we think of our ideal mate we give them qualities and attributes that one person may or may not be able to possess. These qualities can be how they look, how they treat us, to something like what kind of job that they have. Sometimes You Got to Spy - Dealing with Online Infidelity Online infidelity is more prevalent than you think. This includes chatting with unknown faces and watching or seeing porno. The Informal Normal In a Black-Tie-Affair World Have you noticed the trend?You ever notice how on programs like "The Bachelor" most of their dating episodes are via limousine escort? They travel to lavish destinations amid scenic splendor. The sunsets are so beautiful you can almost hear nature singing its own rendition of, "Love Is A Many Splendid Thing". 7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners show respect and kindness toward each other. The relationship forms a rewarding and enduring bond of trust and support. True Love - Part 2 Okay, so why would one person feel strongly about the other and the other hardly misses a beat? In my last article, I said that one of the reasons is that the 'despised' one probably isn't the one in the first place. But let's leave the 'despiser' for now and focus on the 'despisee'. Making Passion More Passionate Somewhere between the first kiss and growing old together, many couples experience dormant growth phases during their relationship, leaving one, if not both partners with a need for greater input, emotionally and/or physically.The process of emotional growth is both independent, and uncomfortable. The Tablet of Venus In the 17th century, divination devices called The Tablets of Fate were sold on the street by fortunetellers. These were square pieces of paper which had sixteen numbers written on them and the idea is that you would go home, close your eyes, spin the paper and point to a spot on the paper to get the answer to your question. 5 Surefire Ways to Arouse Your Woman As there are different types of women, there are different ways to arouse them as well. If you have been in a bit of a slump here are some quick ways to rev up your love life:1) Dress in a suit and take her out to a romantic dinner. 60 Words and Phrases that Make Men Fall Deeper in Love The interesting thing about getting the love you deserve is that you have a great deal of influence in the kind of love you get. Most times, the love one gets is a function of the kind of love one gives. Two Kinds of Love Love is something we all need, and want.For love, some have lived, and many others have died. What to Do when Your Family Feels He is Not Good Enough for You Parents and loved ones always seem to put a damper on our love life. When you feel that you have finally found the love of your life, the problem now becomes getting your family to accept your guy and see how charming he really is. Why We Chose The Person We Love "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -- George Santayana"Why do I always wind up with the wrong person? I want someone who is kind, loving, reliable and open. Great Relationships: 4 Big Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them Relationship Mistake No. 1 - Partner BashingBashing the one you are supposed to love seems to have become a national pastime.
|
 |
 |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
|
|
|||||
| Pendle Writers .com © 2006 | |||||
